Th first occurrence was at lunch on Saturday. Sitting peacefully surveying a mixed plate of delicacies I was jerked out of my calm by an intense pain in the left side of my groin. I had not been mugged. Mrs Fox had delivered a slice of pizza. During its transfer from one plate to another it took on a life of its own. In flight it performed a victory roll and came to rest upside down at the top of my left thigh.
During a swift exchange of views I realised why boiling oil was such a good defensive weapon in a medieval siege. The combination of near boiling tomato sauce and cheese was burning my nether regions through my jeans.
Lunch continued in a somewhat strained atmosphere with me in my boxers and anti burn cream. What a wimp I hear you say, but I can tell you the next occasion I travel with the Time Bandits I'm taking a tub of tomato sauce with me to see off the heathen hordes.
That evening at dinner having just poured the wine I was engaged in a serious conversation on the away strip of the premier league clubs with our resident football expert. Suddenly it all went red. Mrs Fox had struck again. Somehow whilst passing the potatoes my wine glass was launched into space. Some 20 fluid ounces of the cheekiest Bordeaux flew at my head. Fortunately it was at room temperature so apart from the shock, the broken glass and the loss of a fine beakerfull all was well.
One problem remains however. These things happen in threes. I spent the rest of the weekend in my cycling helmet, rollerblading knee and elbow pads and cricket box.
So far so good. However on the morrow we are off to the Ab Fab event of the year-the opening day of Royal Ascot. This is a uniquely English event, all cut glass accents and cut glass champagne flutes. The outfits will be a treat. Every one way over the top, enormous hats - the legendary Mrs Shilling dressed like half a crown, crisp clothing and outlandlish waistcoats reminiscent of a Court Barton sunset.
Social climbing of Himalayan proportions mixed with a real love of racing and the opportunity to see every horse in with a chance and racing fit to bust.
However the opportunity for UFO's is unsurpassed. Will it be the taramasalata - Marks and Sparks luxury version of course, the Chinese Chicken or the Pavlova of mixed fruits? Who can tell, in fact I might ring William Hill for a quote.
The only answer is to wear the garb worn by the gorgeous Priscilla Presley in Naked Gun 2 1/2 for safe sex. The overall condom.
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